Life is "Wow" and "Ouch": July 2012

Before I begin sharing my long testimony, I would like to thank the Lord for His unending love and not giving up on me because without Him, I would have been a nowhere boy.

Now where do I begin hmm… OH YES, before my experience with God in Awaken 5. I was never a devout let alone a practicing Roman Catholic and the fact that I totally gave up on my faith and vowed to never serve God or go to church for a period of time. I used to blame God for a broken family and not having that one person around to call ‘Daddy’ because if He loves me, these wouldn’t have happened. Adding on to the fact that I skipped mass on a regular basis during my catechism days, just attending class and “Adios I’m out of here”. When I was confirmed in 2008, life went on as per normal and was glad that 10 years of catechism has finally come to an end.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. ~ Psalm 13:5

A lost child

The year 2009 came which I believe was the lowest point in my life, it was the year that I sat for my GCE O’ levels examination. Losing someone close to me in the family was painful, it affected my mood throughout the entire year and my studies, causing poor results. I totally gave up trusting in Him and hated the faith overall to the point of cursing the church. However, for unknown reasons I chose to continue wearing the pendant with a crucifix hung on it which I have been wearing since my early days in secondary school. Receiving my O level results was almost the final nail into the coffin, as it was a promise I made but wasn’t accomplished. After which I totally gave up on life and chose suicide to end the pain. But something or someone snapped me out of it, it just felt real even though I was alone at the time. It was pretty unexplainable how that after more than 6 months of grief and depression, that I felt happier and more peaceful after that incident and life started to improve bit by bit for me. That had to be the beginning of walking on the path of light back to Him.

National Service and experience with the Adversary

Then came the time which every Singaporean male must face once in their lifetime. I was enlisted on June 4 2010 not knowing of the challenges and obstacles that lie ahead of me. One night after lights out, I had a nightmare (During my trainee days to be a Signal Operator). When my eyes opened, something or someone was staring at me, the bunk was pitched black and all I could see was a black figure with horns. It started muttering in a foreign language and was odd that I completely understood what it said. I was frightened after hearing it say “Come to me, come to me” and mentioned something about Jesus in a demonic and furious tone. Moments later after waking up, I felt completely scared and shaken, not daring to open my eyes as it felt so real, the bunk, the bed everything! I just couldn’t go back to sleep, fearing that the same dream may occur again. At that point of time, I remembered the crucifix that was hanging around my neck and immediately grabbed the cross tightly saying “God if you are real and if YOU love me, then be at my side because I’m scared”. Immediately, I went back to sleep and everything went as per usual in the morning feeling relieved that my fears were gone.


God has indeed protected me from the Devil

This experience was the turning point of me trusting in Him slowly, but not surely because during lunch one the days, my fellow NS mate saw my pendant and asked if I was a religious person, which I immediately shrugged off saying in a cocky manner, “Oh I’m just wearing it for fun”. Oh Silly Ryan…

Returning back to Church

The year 2012 came, and I couldn’t wait to shout “ORD LO!!!” on June 3 *chuckles*. It was also the year I finally returned to church and after everything I said earlier in my life, I just couldn’t believe it. It all happened one fine Sunday morning in March, being the usual lazy person lazing around in bed. To my amazement, I woke up early and something was different this time, I was itching to attend mass on that day and actually went. As time passed, I wanted to serve in a ministry and decided to serve in my parish, Holy Family. Indeed a sign from God that He hasn't forsaken me.


Church of the Holy Family, my parish

Awaken 5

My parish was advertising the retreat which took place in June that year. I was initially reluctant to go, but the encouragement and motivation from my seniors made me decide to go for it since I have been wanting to begin a new relationship with God, this also marked my first time attending a church retreat. On the first day, upon entering the compound, the service team members greeted me with huge and wide smiles and energetic voices (Still remembered Alex serving me juice

). During the first P&W song, while most of the participants felt awkward, I just had the urge to raise my hands to surrender (not being boastful lol).

I was placed in the group Goodness with 8 other awesome possum participants along with 2 powerful and inspiring facilitators, Isaac and Ethelyn. Over the 4 days, our bond grew deeper and the sharing got more intense as each session passed. Hearing Fr. William Goh talks were inspirational and found it meaningful, though I fell asleep most of the time *khekhekhe*. It amazed me how that over a short period of 4 days, many participants lives were changed, including mine. From all the awkwardness and silence among the groups to jumping around being a fool for God and being brothers and sisters in Christ. God was so real and I could feel His presence throughout the entire retreat. Confessing my sins made me feel delighted and lighter as the weight of sins that stuck on me for years had finally been removed. He was always at my side, just that he was doing his work on me and waiting for the perfect opportunity to give the positives, like what Don Marcus said, “When Jesus says NO, he doesn’t mean no but Next Opportunity”. In life everyone will face a time of hardship even if you’re rich because that makes us a stronger person in my opinion.

God truly does good and is good, my breakthrough has finally come and I have a great interest to serve in the Amplify community under the Hospitality sub-team, something which I first said that I will never do. Once again, I would like to thank God for giving me a community to serve Him in along with other youths seeking for Him which is truly a privilege and, my facils for giving us the strength and courage.